Womanly Things

The woman knocks on my door, then when I didn't answer after about ten seconds starts ringing the door bell. I greet her with "Uh hello?"

"*tsk* Do you have any *tsk* spray and wash?" she mutters.

"No, but what kind of stain are you trying to get out? I might have something else for it." I reply.

"Well *tsk* I don't really want to say *tsk* but my daughter's underwear and her womanly.. you know." she mets out.

"Ah okay, say no more" I say trying not to show how repulsed I was.

"Oh Oxyclean, that should work, I'll take some of that." she says, staring hungrily at the large container of Oxyclean on top of the fridge.

"Sure, let me just make you an envelope for it." and I set off in search of a piece of scrap paper.

"You know what happened to me?" she says, "I took my clothes to a laundromat and it ate my comforter. I'm going to take them to court I think, but it costs too much."

I finish folding up the paper around the Oxyclean and tell her "No not really, it's not quite $100. I'd approach them first, they'll probably replace it."

"No that's okay, I didn't like it much anyways. We're moving soon."

Yeah right, I can only hope.

Voting

I ask her who she voted for, she says "The Progressive Conservatives, really who else are you going to vote for?"

My roomie says "Yeah, if your homophobic I guess."

I literally ran for the apartment door.

The car situation

This is an ongoing fiasco.

She's got a big silver Malibu. One day, I notice the airbags are hanging out of the steering wheel and passenger side. I think to myself, should I ask her what happened? Nah, she's probably got a good excuse for it.

Now, I see her driving this car for two weeks with the bloody airbag hanging out. What the? Instead of fessing up to her insurer and paying a $200 deductable, she DUCT TAPES the bags back into the steering wheel and dash.

Oi.

Now, fine, maybe you can't afford to get your car fixed right this minute.. but then she gets another car. This one is a Hyundai something or other boxy looking thing. She starts parking the crashed car in the front of the building. This prompts the caretakers to post a sign saying "Tennates who park in front will be towed", spelled just like that.

So what does she do? She starts parking AGAINST the utility shed out back in the parking lot. This is a no parking zone, and she keeps parking her car directly against the wall of the shed. I wish I had thought of that, I'd be saving 20 bucks a month on a parking stall.

Here's the kicker, when she moves the car, there is fluid leaking from many places under the hood. The snow under her car's front end looks like a maxi pad on a heavy flow day with all of the black oil and red transmission fluid that has been leaking out of her car.

We can only hope that there is brake fluid in that mix too.

Tutelage

She corners me in the laundry room. "Can you tutor me in my office administration course?"

"I guess so, just let me know when is good for you." I reply.

"Oh never I guess, I'm always so busy."

"Okay then."

Run back to the appartment and chain my door.

Our Neighbor is Crazy.

We think she's on meth in retrospect. We've realized that there will be an awesome culmination of events very soon and it will be necessary to document them.

For me it all started when the people in 602 moved in. One of her kids or granddaughters or something was kinda hot, so I started talking to her. She says to me "5 years, that's a long time to live in one place wow." Okay, sure.

So I make the mistake of talking to the main honcho one day at her car. I tell her she can get a job at my place of work no problem. She doesn't get the job. Clint moves in, soon after, we run into each other in the elevator.

"I'm taking a computer course at school!" she says.

"Oh that's good, what are you taking?" I ask her.

"I'm taking office administration and troubleshooting. Boy troubleshooting is a really totally altogether different language" she says.

"Alright." I humor.

"Computers are good, you can use them to download movies." my roomie says.

"Yes, they are good for that." the head honcho-ess says.

"Computers are good, you can use them to download movies." my roomie keeps repeating (he likes to pretend he's autistic sometimes), eventually adding in "Troubleshooting is good, like when I can't turn on my faucet."

"I meant to ask you," she interjects, "Do you have that program, uhhh Windows... Windows Microsoft 2001 office?"

"No," I reply, "I don't use Windows Microsoft 2001 office, sorry."

Exit the elevator and take off.

This is just the start of a chronicle.